ON A JOURNEY THROUGH THE DARK

My name is Silvia and I’m a woman who has been through a lot of ups and downs.

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Yep, my life felt just as that poor plant I killed at the office: hopelessy dead!

I am not a coach, I am not a doctor, I am not some made up expert graduated at the university of life with a master at the school of the street. I’m quite a quirky character, I have a very low level of f@cks to give, and life handed me some interesting challenges to face. I am (not proudly) famous for my Guinness World Record low self-esteem, my incredible ability to self-sabotage myself, my outstanding skills in coming up with negative, horrible things about myself to say to me and to everyone willing to hear; oh, and I absolutely hate(d) my body, the way I look, the way I am and even the way I am not.

It took me 35 years and being brutally dumped by what I thought was the “love of my life” to finally say “FUCK THAT”, kick me in the arse and decide to change, and to do it for real, no holds barred, no excuses, no limits, no ifs or buts.

I’m not even sure why I suddenly decided that it was about time to do something for me; something deep down inside me was probably fed up of dealing with the same old pain and the same old negative narrative over and over again. And now, a broken heart (again) and more pain, yey! I sat on the sofa, my heart in my hands, my eyes red and swollen for crying desperately non-stop for hours, miserable as an absolute fuck. And then, it felt like something clicked a button in my brain and I had a moment of “hooooold on a second here, how dare you talk shit about me? I’m awesome, and I’ll prove it!”.

In the space of a moment, I realised that in all that pain, in all that hell, I had a choice: I could have sat there some more, crying till the point of being admitted to A&E for dehydration, keeping feeling a helpless victim and telling myself “ooohh poor me”

OR.

Or I could still ride the hurricane of pain playing havoc in my life, because let’s face it, if you are hurt, you are damn hurt and your feelings deserve to be acknowledged and respected, but do something to improve my life whilst I nurse my wounds and recover from this one hell of a beating. My brain went into overdrive: ok what do I do now? What do I want? What activities I can do here, now, in this exact moment? What are the things I hate about myself? Why I hate myself, by the way? How can I be more positive? How can I change, but not “change” for the sake of filling couple of months of heartbreak: how can I change, for real, for good, and shine?

I ran crying to my close friend Marge. She is not only my wonderful, much loved “office wife”, but also (and most importantly) one of my best friends, a sister, my heart, and soul. She is Estonian and, unlike me, she is way less emotional and has her own Estonian way to tell you stuff as it is: she doesn’t lie, and if you look like shit, or behaving like a twat, she won’t hold it back or sugar-coat it. She is my source of positive energy and the most powerful enemy of my negative self. Every time I dare to say something bad about me, she yells “Don’t say it again or I’m going to slap you in the face!”. We talked, and talked, and talked, and talked some more, then we both decided to help each other on our quests for “better selves”. She is the reason I am writing this: in one of our chats, she said “you are so good at writing, you should write about it!”. Well, why not? Why not documenting my journey, share some insight, get stuff out of my system, and maybe help someone who’s facing my same issues?

So here I am. Welcome to my journey on personal improvement. I will write about all the things I’m experimenting, all my (real) efforts in the path of greatness, all my “ok this didn’t go exactly as planned” episodes (believe me, knowing me, these will be many and hilariously embarrassing), all the self-help books I’m reading and everything else that is currently going on in my life. Also, I will write about my past, opening my heart and soul (and memories) because the person I am know is the result of what happened, and I can only change if I fix those negative things right?

By the way, I’m trying not to be too anxious about this blog, but I’m famous for starting things, telling myself “aaahhh booooring” because I cannot be arsed to keep doing them and then quit. Therefore, I am using this experience as another tool of self-improvement, and I am forcing myself to write stuff up as often as I can and to NOT put my habitual half-arsed efforts (and then be fully-disappointment when things don’t work up… genius, eh?).

I can do this!

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