Ok, Megadeth’ song “Sweating Bullets” started in a slighlty different way, but I’m not sure if “meet the real me” is what is right for what I’m about to write. Aaaand now I can’t get rid of that song playing in my head! (It is one of my absolute favourites, for the record).
I’m in a weird phase as we speak. It is exciting, it is new, it is great, it feels great, but at the same time, it is slightly bittersweet and a tiny bit… upsetting?
Let’s see if I can explain…. I am trying to make sense to any of this and it took a good hour with the psychotherapist to come to some sort of explanation, be kind with me, this is harder than what it seems!
Before I start writing anything about it, let me give you an idea of where I am now in my journey: I’m sure it will make things easier for everyone, myself included!
All the work I’m doing on myself is starting to pay off big time. I’m beginning to see and feel tangible, wonderful improvements on my mental health, my self-esteem, my confidence, the way I portray myself with others but also with myself too etc…
Recently, I’ve been feeling this wonderful excitement that I can’t seem not only to justify, but also to contain. I feel like I’m reborn and I have to re-learn everything from scratch or so.
I’m approaching things in a new way, with a new mentality.
I’m experimenting with myself. I’m trying new things, or old things but experiencing them in a different way. My stream of thoughts is dramatically improved: I’m more positive, more rational, with a greater awareness of who I am and what is the message I’m trying to convey with my words and my body. I reflect more on stuff. I think before I react. I am learning to cope with my anxiety, talking myself out of it rather than just be defensive and succumb to its horrible effects. I don’t let things go by without asking myself “why am I doing this? Why is that I’m feeling this way? Why this upsets me? How can I re-phrase this in a positive way? What is the lesson I can learn from this?” etc.
I must admit, at time is very tiring, but at the moment I wouldn’t have it any other way. I feel more relaxed, even though I’m constantly analysing myself. As I write, I’m on a train, and I had quite the “anxiety inducing” morning. It required a mammoth effort to shut the fuck of my chain of anxiety driven thoughts and focus on what I had to do.
My confidence is on a record high. My self-esteem? I can’t believe how good I feel about myself. I’m in such a state of grace that all the negativity can’t seem to affect me the way it used to affect me and make me miserable as fuck, feeling defeated, a failure, the shittiest shit of the world.
More so, it seems like any attempt at dragging me down and making me feel like dirt is met by me with a “whatever, I can’t give a single, remote fuck no matter how hard I try… and I’m not even entertaining the idea of trying, by the way” attitude. It is awesome, and the less fucks I give, the better it gets.
I’m loving this new and improved Silvia. I really do. I see this beautiful path in front of me and I’m taking my time to walk on it, savouring every single step. I don’t want to rush it.
I don’t want change to happen like a sudden miracle: I am enjoying too much the little steps, the small but incredible victories against my old self, the tiny bits and pieces that seem to fall into place every time I take a moment to analyse my surroundings and myself in it. I know it is not an easy, smooth ride, but even bumps along the way are not perceived as “dramas that will traumatise me forever”, but they are just put into perspective, dealt with and put behind my back: it happens, it is fine, I’ll do better next time.
I have also this… it’s such a weird feeling: I can’t stop thinking, feeling, being convinced deep down to the core that something amazing is about to happen in my life. I have this crazy but absolute certainty that I will soon experience something incredible, that will not only make up for all these years of suffering, but also give me a massive boost into keep pursuing my best possible self. I spoke to my therapist about it and the way I described it to her is “I feel like a child who knows that soon is going to be Christmas – it will happen, it’s just a matter of letting days go by; in the meantime she is thinking of all the amazing presents she will get and oh my gosh she is so happy that she is restless”.
I don’t know if I will truly get this amazing thing, but I want to believe I will, and I have faith the universe has listened to what I am asking, has witnesses that I’m not fooling around, that this time I meant it when I said “I’m going to change!” and therefore is cooking up something truly awesome for me. Having said that, everything already looks like a present for me, and I want this feeling to last for as long as I possibly can.
At the same time, a tiny bit of me is… lost? Like… this tiny part of me sees all these changes happening, is experiencing all these new things, there is a mammoth amount of new data and information that my brain requires to process in a new, positive way… and this part of me is in a maze, trying to find a way out, trying to come to terms with the new me and the death of the old me.
I’ll try to expand on the topic, bear with me because I’m also trying to explain this to myself!
I give you an example: I recently saw my ex. We spent the night together. Few weeks ago, I would have been extremely happy and looking forward for having a chance to be back in his arms, to spend time with him and maybe, just maybe, you know, hopefully, his feelings for me…
Don’t get me wrong, we kind of had an ok night, and we did have some nice moments, but… my feelings were not there. My mind was not there. The more time we spent together, the more I felt “….is it really this what I want for me?”. In the morning, I stared at him whilst he was sleeping, something that I used to love to do. I adored waking up next to him. I used to cuddle him, kiss him, grab his arms and wrap myself in them, listen to the sound of his breathing and just enjoy his warmth, his presence.
That morning all I could do was just… stare at him., in the same way as I would have stared at any other object that was there, but that I don’t really give a fuck about it.
I tried to grab his hand, and yes, it was nice, but…. Just like any other hand would have felt.
Don’t get me wrong, I was absolutely fucking thrilled, happy to the moon and back that I could feel that distance, that “I think you killed all the love I had for you and it feels awesome”, but this tiny bit of me felt so… lost? Unable to understand the situation?
This little part of me kept asking “where are your feelings? I swear they were here not long ago, I fucking left them there, I kid you not, I felt them! Where are they? What happened? Did you put them in the bin? Did you hide them from me? What the hell…..”.
Another example? My recent interactions with my mum. I love her, I love to bits, but she can piss me off like very few people in the world can. She can make me go from Buddhist monk to hysterical, emotional wreck in the space of a second. Yet, in our latest exchanges, I’ve not behaved as per my usual, defensive self: I let her yell, or be her usual bitching and moaning. I didn’t allow her to drag me to the level of the child who is at the receiving end of a rant. I stopped her “emotional blackmailing” before she dared to try and do it, and in a calm (but firm) way I told her what my point of view was, and why I was sticking to it no matter what. Again, I felt SO proud of myself. The way I successfully handled it, avoiding a total meltdown and a yelling challenge amongst us, made me feel on top of the world. I am confident, I know I’m right and I don’t need to defend myself: it is how I say it is. However, this tiny bit of me felt a bit… unease? Like “I was expecting shouting and tears and…. nothing happened? What was that? Who are you Silvia? What the fuck are you doing?”.
I think that this is part of my “transition” into this new person. A lot has changed, and I can see it clearly, but some stuff is still present because hey, I’ve been the old me for a very long time, you can’t just get rid of years and years of feelings, behaviours, attitude etc. just like that right? The new me is up and running, but the old me is still looming around, trying to find her dimension, to see whether there is still space for her inside me, and if so, where is it and what can she do to regain some of her power. This is also the part of me that makes me feel scared (and anxious) that all the good work will lead into nothing, that it is all so stupid and embarrassing, that at some point I will go back to my old ways anyway so I should surrender now in order for me to face a smaller, unavoidable disappointment. Oh, I so wish I could shut this part of me down for good!
AAAAH it makes me so upset feeling this way!
Anyway, I’m trying to manage the situation as best as I can and to not worry too much about it. I’m sure that, in time, I will be better. I saw hell, I lived in it for years and years alone and able to count only on myself. Now I have a team of people supporting and taking care of me, a bit like some self-esteem and mental health superheroes: let’s wait for those Christmas presents, shall we?