It’s been ages since I last wrote on this blog. It feels like coming back to an “old friend of mine” who I haven’t seen in a while. I am not even sure why I left this blog behind, abandoned in a corner of my mind. I have been very busy recently, with so many things happening in my life, and anything that felt not essential has been dumped behind in a “maybe another time” drawer of my brain: it seems my blog slipped into this drawer too. I profusely apologise for this.
I must admit, the less I wrote, the lazier I got, and I was quite happy at leaving things as they were, even though the “not finding anything good to write about” got me a bit annoyed at times. Then the other day I saw Britney Spears latest Insta: her message looked very inspiring and positive at first, and I have been really happy to hear from her after a long time (her dad is currently very sick).
It felt quite the shock when I then read on the newspaper that she checked in into a mental health facility as she wasn’t coping well with what was happening in her life. Of course, I’m so sad that her mental health dropped (again), but I’m so happy that she didn’t let this drag her down and that she actively sought help before things spiralled out of control. It is such a powerful example: if you are not coping, there is no shame in admitting it and in allowing yourself to be cared by expert hands. You know me, I have a very soft spot for her. She has been my guide during my darkest days and an inspirational figure of “you can be still successful and live your dreams despite your wonky mental health”.
Sometimes I hear people saying stupid stuff like “how can so and so be “depressed” (said with quite the sarcastic and nasty tone) when they are rich / beautiful / successful / they got it all?”. Well, my friends, the reason is simple: aside from those who jumps on the “I’m depressed” bandwagon because it’s trendy and they feel they can fill their attention needs with some good old pity with it, anyone can be affected by this illness (cue is in the word: illness). You could have all the conditions to be the happiest person on planet earth and still not be able to be truly happy if your mental health is not ok for whatever reason. This is something I always held against my mum, for example: I spent so many years resenting her for being the way she was, wondering why she just couldn’t be fucking happy and serene. Only when I ended up experiencing the same, being eaten alive by panic attacks and anxiety, thinking of the worst things during my post-natal depression, that I got loud and clear why you can’t just “snap out of it” and “be normal”. You want to, but you can’t. Yes, in fair honesty, there is a part of you that actually enjoys the drama and marinating in your own self-pity, but the main part of you feel like a spectator of a shitshow that cannot be controlled: you see all the beautiful things from your window of despair, longing to be able to get out and enjoy them, but unable to move or do anything about it because your brain simply doesn’t work properly.
Speaking of mental health, I will soon approach my psychotherapy anniversary. If I think of the person I was last year, compared to now… wow. The difference. Last year this time my life was a full-blown drama of epic proportions, I was sad, my self-esteem next to zero, my confidence was non-existent, everything was just negative and upsetting. I was surrounded by very negative people, I was living in a negative environment and, ultimately, I was a negative person myself as well. I can’t believe how completely different my life is now. The journey is still long, I still have issues to work on (my panic attacks are not completely over and forgotten, for example), but I’m confident that, with the help of my therapist, things will keep going better and better.
And I promise my next blog entry won’t be in 3 months’ time!