The dreaded letter I was waiting for has finally arrived – my hospital admission confirmation is currently in my hands, together with few forms that I have to fill and send back to finalise the whole thing. Even if the envelope was plain and anonymous, I recognised it as soon as I saw it. I must admit, I opened it with a very heavy heart: I knew that, the moment I had that paperwork in my hands, the whole thing would have been immediately more “real” than before.
Now, not only I have a date, but also an admission time which, by the way, it’s 7:15am, like… seriously? Do I need the pain of waking up at 5am on top of the pain of going through this? Jeez…. And then, no eating from 2am (fine, I’ll be sleeping anyway, I hope) and no drinking from 6am. I can already see myself awake at an ungodly hour in the night, hugging my coffee machine, unable to go back to sleep, sipping espresso whilst trying not to run to the airport and hide in some remote island in the middle of the ocean.
I am honest here, I feel slightly less brave than when I shouted “BOOK ME IN!” on my surgeon’s face few weeks ago.
Ok, to be truly, truly honest, I’m crapping myself with fear as we speak. I still am 100% wanting to do it. I don’t have a choce anyway: I have to do it, don’t get me wrong, my shoulder is bad, my movements are substantially impaired on a normal basis, let alone when that frigging bursitis decides to be even angrier than average; at my company’s party I have barely been able to get dressed, and after dancing like crazy, the next day I woke up in a world of pain. The pain wakes me up in the middle of the night, multiple times, and there is so much paracetamol I can take. I need that shit out of me to go back to lead a normal life, no questions about it. However, having said that, I am quite…. Anxious? About the whole thing. Yes, I’ll be in amazing hands; yes, I’ll be spoiled rotten; yes, I’ll have all the support, mental and physical, that I’ll need; I know my surgeon and his team will be on my side when I’ll freak out. But… but yeah, it is not exactly going to be a spa retreat, right?
Filling the admission paperwork triggered a variety of weird feelings.
Have I got a next of kin? Yes, my son, but he’ll hardly be answering the phone, chatting to a hospital about his mum… so I suppose the answer is nope.
An emergency contact? Ehm…. Nope.
Any adult or carer that will help me when I come home? Aaaand again no.
Have I got any phobias or fears I would like to discuss? Dude, I need more than a little text box here….
Anyone that will sleep in my house the night I’ll come back to ensure I’m safe? Aaaaand no, no and no. No. I will be alone before, during and afterwards. Just like last time. There is nothing I can do to change this situation, so I’m not even moaning or crying and pulling my hair. Plus, the last thing I want is someone wandering the house, annoying the shit out of me: I’m kind of looking forward to a week of me time, ass glued to my bed, having a threesome with SkySports and BT Sports (and, sometimes, Eleven Sports when AC Milan is playing), doing absolutely nothing but chilling. I plan to stock my freezer with ice cream and I’ll do everything I can to make the most out of this forced staycation.
Having said that, let me shout it loud and clear: what a pain in the ass this thing is. What a frigging pain! Seriously, what the hell.
Yes, at the moment my brain is taken over by the child in me, who is having quite a good moan about the whole thing. You know what? it’s fine. I don’t want to bottle up these feelings. Writing them down is making me feel better already. Suppressing feelings is very similar to when you need to go on holiday and you overfill your suitcase: you sit on top of it, you push as much as you can till you close it, and just when you think “yes, I did it” BAM! The suitcase explodes, and your shit is all over the place (if you are wondering: been there, done that). There is really no point of ignoring or trying to push these feelings as far as I can away from me. The more effort I put in trying to get rid of them, the more importance I allow them to have, so I just stand back, observe them, acknowledge their existence and then, once the storm has settled and the tantrum is over, the adult will take over again.
I am very anxious (ok, scared as fuck) about the anaesthesia, in particular. The thought that I’ll be put to sleep fills me with horror.
And yes, I don’t want to do this alone. I would LOVE to be rolled back in my room and find a friendly face there, waiting for me. Or some flowers. Ora little card. Since I know there will be no one, I plan to go there with my Ferrari teddy bear Schumy (I suppose I don’t need to explain his name, right?) to pretend I have company. Djeezus, I sound like I’m a desperate nutcase here.
You know what I was thinking? Maybe I should order myself some nice flowers – not a box of chocolate though, I am a pain in the ass when it comes to chocolate – and maybe some other little treats for when I will be back home, in the comfort of my bed. Last time I bought myself a very cuddly blanket, but for this time, I may opt for an ultra-soft pyjama. I have at least two weeks of pyjama catwalks, I might as well make the most of it right? Yes, I know I have the Dollhouse photoshoot to look forward to, but in the immediate “I’m in pain, I hate the world, I feel so lonely and sad and miserable and I can barely scratch my arse” panic, I will have something that will cheer me up a bit. Sounds a bit pathetic, I know, but do I give a fuck? No, not really.
So, any recommendations for a post-surgery treat? 😉